One Bed or Two
Posted on 08. Dec, 2010 by jess in Central America, LGBT, Travel Reflections
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Traveling as a lesbian couple through Latin America
There is one major difference between straight and gay long-term traveling couples, and it all comes down to the bed situation. Sure, I know what you’re thinking (dirty minds!) but it is a difference that begins even before we even check-in. I would imagine that for straight couples the scenario is as follows: You arrive at hotel/hostel and the owner or receptionist shows you first to a room with a double bed if they have one, or apologizes that there are only rooms with two single beds. End of scenario. For LGBT couples traveling on a budget, the arrival at the hotel is a bit more awkward.
Let’s break down a few scenarios of what happens when we arrive at a hostel, assuming we like it enough to stay there. Scenario 1: We arrive, and immediately shown a twin room. We share a silent glance and weigh various factors (how long have we been walking with our packs, is the hostel really nice, is it cheap, maybe just for tonight?). Then we decide whether or not we’ll be pushing the two beds together. Scenario number 2: Owner/receptionist apologizes for only having a double bed. We breathe a sigh of relief. Should owner offer to switch us to a room with twin beds the next day, we simply reply that the room is great and we are used to sharing beds. Scenario 3: Having already weighed up all factors, we arrive and inquire directly about a room with a double bed. Receive quizzical looks. Stew uncomfortably in awkward moment, but get the room.
Sometimes we wish that staff would ask, with casual discretion, as if offering some sugar – “and will that be one bed or two, ladies?”
For the most part, the average LGBT traveler is no different to our straight counterparts; we see the same sights, drink in the same bars and stay at the same hotels. In fact, traveling as a lesbian couple has not been a major issue for us at all, though this is most likely due to our toned down public displays of affection. Stolen kisses and knowing winks are easy enough to get used to, but when one of us gets hurt or upset, it is hard not to console each other like a couple.
Not that we are back in the proverbial closet. In Europe we are very open with our sexuality. In Central America, however, homosexuality has a diminished media presence, and, with very few exceptions, the closet is still seen as a perfectly valid place for the LGBT community. This lack of awareness is slowly changing, of course, and in Mexico we were pleasantly surprised at the liberal social and political attitude to gays and lesbians. Aware of the strongly Catholic and socially conservative influence here, we actively choose not to provoke or test the boundaries, acting as friends mostly because it is easier. We have experienced a constant level of ignorance to the possibility that we might be a couple, despite several clues that might be obvious to people from the U.S. or Europe (same shoes, similar dress, and the way we talk to each other that so obviously makes us more than friends).
Only one hotel (El Amanecer Sak’Cari in San Pedro, Guatemala) understood that we are a couple, unflinchingly apologizing to us for having only twin rooms and promising a double bed the next day, which they followed up on.
Our ‘bad’ experiences have been equally limited, with the only vocal opposition to us taking place on Caye Caulker in Belize. Dani and I had been having a dream of a time in Belize, and, feeling romantic, we walked home one night holding hands. As we passed a group of rastas, one of them yelled out “why dose girls is holding hands, what’s wrong with dem?” A friend of his who we had hung out with explained – ‘dos two girls is husband and wife, dey don’t need no man’. Aw, that was sweet. At least he kind of gets it. We were about 100ft past them when the first guy yelled after us ‘God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”
In contrast to Belize, we expect Costa Rica to be the most gay friendly in Central America. Unlike Mexico, Costa Rica still does not condone same-sex marriage or civil unions, but political policy tends toward respect and tolerance. The travel industry has followed suit with LGBT marketing campaigns, though this might simply be due to a more highly developed tourism industry. It seems that a higher level of tolerance toward gay travelers correlates less to political or social policy and more to the number of stars on the outside of the hotel.
International hotel chains with a budget to undertake research understand the economic value of attracting LGBT travellers, or the so-called pink dollar, in particular, and staff is properly trained in customer service and discretion in general, for all visitors whether gay or straight. Down here in the bowels of budget travel, budget hotels and hostels far away from five-star chains show no awareness of the value of the pink dollar, just of the nice crisp green ones that keep the business afloat.
This has been our experience, thus far, and in no way can be considered an expert opinion. We also know that our experience as two women is most likely very different from gay male travelers. That is why we would like to open the discussion here rather than close it, and hear about your experiences and thoughts, whether gay or straight. Additionally, tips on LGBT-friendly budget hotels and hostels in Latin America or worldwide would be greatly appreciated both for us and our readers.
45 Responses to “One Bed or Two”
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Kyle
08. Dec, 2010
Very interesting, insightful post.
I’ve never traveled with my boyfriend, but if I did and others were able to tell, I’m sure the reaction would be varied depending on where we went (as it appears you’ve found in Latin America). For example, I expect Thailand would be a lot warmer toward us than Japan.
Framing it in the concept of number of beds is smart. Since I’ve never traveled with somebody as a couple, I never really thought about it before.
Thanks for the post!
Kyle recently posted..Rikugien- Nighttime Illumination in a Tokyo Daimyo Garden
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Kyle – We are also hoping for more tolerance in Thailand – hopefully we won’t be disappointed! Happy that you like the post – we haven’t really read any articles from other gay or lesbian travelers how they experience traveling as a couple / solo traveler, that’s why we thought we shared our experiences so far.
Ayngelina
08. Dec, 2010
Wow really interesting post. Although I’m heterosexual I have noticed the difference in country attitudes throughout Latin America. Mexico was definitely the most open. I don’t know if you found this but I often saw perceptions linked to how prominent the Catholic church was in each community.
Ayngelina recently posted..How to watch football like an Ecuadorian
Laura
08. Dec, 2010
This is a great post. The bed situation can be an interesting one. I traveled with a brother/sister duo in Malawi and they were constantly offered a double bed. Although not nearly as awkward, since, after telling people they are brother & sister hotels are graciously accommodating, it’s funny how presumptions are so often made.
My friend and I spent 3 months in SE Asia and hotels were often apologetic if they only had a double. We could care less as we’re great friends who have been travel buddies for years so it’s like a slumber party to us. I’m not sure how it works in Latin America, but I know sometimes we would even ask if they had a double bed because a lot of times tthere was a price difference. That might be one way to sidestep the awkward conversation in more conservative countries.
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Laura – Thanks for the comment! We have to admit that we can also be very presumptuous ourselves, assuming girls and guys who traveled together to be couples more than once! So we can’t be mad at people for that. However, when we specifically ask for a double bed (or reserve one) we’d like the hotel staff to accept it rather than it becoming an awkward situation.
Jaime
08. Dec, 2010
This is a very interesting post. As a gay man myself I actually thought “traveling as a couple would be easier for lesbians then gay men”. Im not saying what yall went through wasn’t difficult, I can imagine what yall had to go through and how hard it must of been. Im single but if I had a partner and was travelling the world I think it would have been so much harder to do anything you mentioned above with him. I think it is more acceptable anywhere in the world for two women to sleep in the same bed then it is to have to men sleep in the same bed. Does that make sense?
Im glad to read though that yall didnt encounter too much hate. I am very open about my sexuality and one of the things Ive always wondered is how is it for LGBT people on the road. I plan on going on a RTW trip in July and plan on visiti parts of the world (the middle east) where aside from Isreal being gay could mean death. I know I will tone it down alot but still be myself at the same time. Im glad I have come across another LGBT blog.
Im bookmarking y’all and will becoming back to read more.
PS: Did yall carry those rainbow flags with yall??? Makes me wanna take one…lol!!!
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Jaime – A lot of the fellow travelers you will meet when you hit the road are very tolerant towards gay people – within the travel community we haven’t come across any hatred towards gay people (yet!!) but many people who live in the countries that we’ve passed through simply do not understand same-sex relationships. As for the rainbow flags – we only had them for Pride, we aren’t actually traveling with them
Sally
09. Dec, 2010
Really interesting read! Thanks for shedding light on a topic that isn’t seen much in the realm of travel blogging (or at least I haven’t seen it much. But, then again, I’m a solo straight girl so maybe these articles don’t end up on my radar… not sure!).
I have a friend who traveled with her partner in SE Asia and they had the same trouble/awkwardness when requesting a double bed. In some cases, the hotels flat-out refused to do so (I can’t remember all the details as to where this was — sorry!). So maybe it’s not just a Roman Catholic thing but depends on the conservativeness of the country.
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Sally – Thanks for commenting, Sally. It’s true – there are not many gay or lesbian travel blogs, we have only come across a couple so far. We are sad to hear that some hotels in SE Asia are so conservative and refuse double beds, we were hoping for a more liberal attitude when we get there next year, but this doesn’t seem to be the case…
Craig
09. Dec, 2010
Great post on an important topic. Thank for sharing your experiences and a few tips for other travellers.
I’d be interested to hear which South and Central American countries end up as the friendliest to LGBT relationships.
Craig recently posted..lizhao luolizhao joined the group North America travel
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Craig – We will definitely follow up on the topic and share our thoughts on the LGBT-friendliest countries in Central and South America. As we said in the post, we think it’s going to be Costa Rica for CA and for SA probably Argentina, but maybe we’ll be positively surprised by one of the other countries…
Adventurous Kate
09. Dec, 2010
Great post, Jess. This post and a few of Matt’s at LandLopers give a lot of insight into what it’s like to travel the world as a member of the LGBT community. Thanks for sharing.
Adventurous Kate recently posted..The Endangered Beauty of Railay
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Kate – Thanks! We are happy to share our experiences, and we’re happy about the response and reactions!
Amy
09. Dec, 2010
Interesting post…an issue as part of a traveling heterosexual couple I honestly never thought about. Because the bed situation pretty much plays out like you described.
I hope that someday, you two and others can travel all over the world without feeling like you need to tone things down.
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Amy – Thanks for commenting – we wanted to share the ‘bed situation’ because we were aware that straight people don’t really think about it. It would indeed be nice to be able to travel without toning things down but I think we are still far away from that…
Michael
09. Dec, 2010
Have you been to Bolivia yet? It’s not much better. I’m straight and had issues of getting a double bed because we were not married. To make things easier, I simply said we don’t travel with the ring. There was another time two guys that were not gay and just wanted to be budget by getting a double (it was cheaper than two beds) but were refused the bed.
Michael recently posted..Best Pub Crawls in Europe and How to Survive Them
jess
11. Dec, 2010
@Michael – We haven’t been to Bolivia yet, but we’ll get there next year. The only country in South America we’re hoping for to be a little bit more open-minded towards gay people is Argentina, but we’ll see… Luckily we haven’t been refused a double bed yet, but it sounds as if that might happen to us in South America.
Aaron
31. Dec, 2010
Really interesting post! It’s always fascinating to see what attitudes are towards same-sex couples (or even same-sex travelers sharing a bed) in different places. I feel like Asia has a bit more lax attitude.
Even going to a hotel in a small Thai town that didn’t see many tourists, my boyfriend and I were asked how many beds we wanted. When we said one, there were no strange looks.
I had a similar experience in Laos with a fellow male traveler who i’d met. We wanted to share acommodation to save money and all that was available was a double bed. I think the owner was so happy to have booked the room that he couldn’t have cared less!
Aaron recently posted..2010′s Weirdest Travel Experiences
jess
03. Jan, 2011
Hey Aaron thanks for commenting on this. We always want to know how it is for men travelling together. As we said, we think it is easier for us girls to ‘get away with it’ sometimes, as people seem to be fine with two girls, just friends, sharing beds, but for guys we imagine this wouldn’t go over so well. I hope that Asia does have more of a lax attitude. We haven’t come across anything so terrible yet, though we just read on the way in to Nicaragua yesterday that homosexuality is actually illegal here (!!) though rarely enforced. So much for the open-mindedness of Mexico! For the hotel owners, it’s really a toss up for them between their own ‘morals’ and money really, but this is still a rock-bottom level, a far cry from discretion, understanding and ultimately acceptance. It would be interesting to hear more about your experiences!
Aaron
04. Jan, 2011
Unfortunately, my experiences sharing hotel/hostel/guest house beds with other men are limited to those two incidents. But I certainly think you’re right about hotel owners view of things. It seems that everywhere in the world, foreigners are viewed as nothing more than a source of income. It was certainly true in parts of the world where being an American made me uncomfortable (like Vietnam).
Asia is surprisingly lax on homosexuality. Buddhism is pretty much indifferent to it, so many of those countires don’t have the relgiious influence that we see here in the West. Thailand also has this whole concept of Kathoey’s–”Lady Boys” who are perfectly accepted as a societal norm.
Interesting to hear about the differences in Central America. Latin America as a whole seems to be very big on the concept of machismo, so that probably explains the atttitude you’ve been facing.
Aaron recently posted..Beware of the Sleeping Pill…
jess
05. Jan, 2011
We were hoping to find a little more relaxed attitude towards homosexuality in Asia, but a lot of gay travelers seem to have made bad experiences there. I guess we’ll find out this year how open or hostile they are two lesbian travelers when we get there at the end of the year. Nicaragua, where we are at the moment, is definitely the most anti-gay country we’ve visited so far – even though homosexuality officially is not against the law anymore, it is still a big tabu, so we don’t dare to ask for a double bed (unless we are offered one.)
Justin
08. Mar, 2011
Very interesting post. I never really thought about that from a LBGT standpoint but I can see where it would cause some potentially uncomfortable moments.
Most of Asia always struck me as being pretty tolerant. The fact that South America is less so is no big surprise. As others have said, it can probably be traced back to religion. Here’s hoping they keep running out of single beds!
-Justin
I learn something new everyday – The same shoes? Really?
jess
09. Mar, 2011
Ha! The same shoes, really
We are really looking forward to going to Asia to really get a feel for tolerance and what LGBT issues (and non-issues!!) are in the region as we’ve heard from many it is more tolerant. Thanks for your comment, Justin!
Irina Sazonova
20. Mar, 2011
Wow, I’ve been reading many travel blogs, but only now stumbled upon yours and all I have to say is — finally! I’m queer as well and although it’s not the most important thing about it, sometimes traveling as an openly gay person is not easy. I lived in Berlin for 3 months and was in heaven, it’s kind of a mecca for queer people these days, it seems. Soon I’ll be relocating to Istanbul for a couple of months and I’m sure it won’t be the same there, but nevertheless I’m willing to discover queer life there as well.
Irina Sazonova recently posted..Day 69-77- Eternal memory or
jess
21. Mar, 2011
Hi Irina, we’re glad you came across our website! It’s true – there are not many gay travel bloggers out there, but it’s always nice to find a new queer (travel) blog!! Berlin for three months must have been amazing, the gay scene there is one of the best in Europe. We’re looking forward to find out how you will feel in Istanbul – it’s a fantastic city but probably not the gay-friendliest one!! We’re sure you will have a great time there anyway!
Amy
23. Mar, 2011
Hey Globetrotter girls!
Erin and Simon from Neverendingvoyage told me about your blog, and thought I’d put in my belated tuppence worth here!
My partner Kath and I travelled around Asia and Australia for about 8 months from 09-10 and came up with some conclusions about travelling as a lesbian couple:
1) You’re right, there is little to no presence of LBGT travel bloggers on the scene – so good on you for setting your site up – we still might set up our own but admittedly have been way too lazy to…
)! Again though we were able to switch with no issues when we could.
2) I don’t know about you guys but we were also surprised by the lack of any other LGBT travellers on our travels – we stayed in a mix of off-the-beaten track, and touristy stops – but we were the only same-sex travelling couple we (knowingly) came across!
3) We travelled to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, Japan, China, Australia, and the majority of time in all places we got a double bed straight away. Times where we felt that we were offered a twin room up front we either switched with no issue that day, or moved into a double room when it became available. Lol, I don’t know whether it’s because we look ‘dykey’, or because we would enquire about doubles in a nonchalant way! The only country where twin rooms became a pain (doubles would be genuinely fully booked up) was Japan, as there twin meant bunk beds, so couldn’t even push them together,
4) Attitude wise we found everywhere pretty cool with us as a couple – truth be told people were more interested, and amused, by the fact that I was a travelling chinese person (who looked like them, but couldn’t speak the requisite language!), than us being lesbians. Even when we made a brief stop in KL, we never felt that people thought it a big deal.
5) In terms of PDA’s we’re pretty open and casual about it – whilst not being all over each other (10 years, so honeymoon way over!) – we never hesitated in holding hands in public wherever. It’s striking that balance between respecting the culture that you are within, and being true to yourself and politics. Our number one rule was to never feel like we had to hide who we were (cos straight couples don’t right?). Interestingly we read somewhere that in Thailand same-sex hand holding is actually more accepted, and straight PDA’s more frowned upon!
So to conclude you’ll have a great time in Asia, it’s a pretty gay-friendly continent – even if you’ll spot more fellow queers out n about than amongst fellow travellers!
Keep the queer travel flag flying!
All the best,
Amy
jess
29. Mar, 2011
Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for your detailed comment! It is so interesting to hear about LGBT travel in Asia, as we’ve both never been anywhere east of Istanbul yet! Your comment makes us feel much better about going to Asia, we both haven’t heard much about people’s attitude towards LGBT travelers there. We’ll definitely post more on LGBT issues while traveling when we hit Asia and South America.
Oh, and if you have any LGBT-specific recommendations (gay-friendly hotels, bars, etc) for us, please let us know!!
melissa
23. Mar, 2011
My wife and I travel full-time as well and constantly deal with the bed issue. I brush most of them off as people just assuming we’re straight and as we are a minority, that’s understandable. I truly think that most are trying to be helpful even though we specifically requested one bed. However, we have had times where we have to almost argue for the king room over the double beds.
We travel with my wife’s job so we don’t get a choice as to how gay friendly our destinations are going to be. When we’re in countries that are notoriously unfriendly we just take the 2 beds and either push them together or deal with it for the duration.
Belize actually has a law banning homosexuals from entering their country. As beautiful as it may be I refuse to give their economy any of my dollars, pink or otherwise.
jess
29. Mar, 2011
Hi Melissa, thanks for your comment! It feels good to know that we are not the only ones who constantly have to deal with the ‘bed issue’!
We must admit that we had no idea Belize banned homosexuals from entering the country – we only knew that male homosexuality was illegal (isn’t it weird that in some countries it is not illegal for women, but for men? We actually met another lesbian couple there who also didn’t know about that. We definitely understand why you wouldn’t want to go there though. It’s a tough call to decide if to visit a country that bans homosexuality or not – on the one hand we would like to see them all, on the other hand you don’t want to support anti-LGBT policies.
Claire
26. Apr, 2011
Wow! Thank you for this post. I have been looking for other LGBT travel bloggers for some time. I had only a few ‘incidents’ in South America. One involved explaining what gay is to some people in Peru (who previously said it’s men dressing as women), and then in Panama I got carried away and kissed a girl in public. Turned out she had a husband who thought it was fine – as long as he could watch. I ran away very fast…..
Claire recently posted..Becoming a Youth in Action
jess
30. Apr, 2011
Hey Claire – great to be in touch then! It’s really interesting to hear your stories. It’s crazy to think you’d have to explain what it is to some people, and then this thing with the husband sounds baaaaad too. We just returned to Europe for a couple of months’ travel and are honestly very much enjoying be able to be open without worrying about any negative reactions. Definitely can’t take it for granted how far things have come in Europe and to a lesser extent, the US.
Raymond @ Man On The Lam
02. Dec, 2011
In your case, shouldn’t that rasta dude have said, “God created Adam and Eve, Not Madam and Eve”?
See, he’s ignorant on so many levels…
Raymond @ Man On The Lam recently posted..Travel from Point A to Point Z
Dani
05. Dec, 2011
Haha, never thought about that, but you are absolutely right, Raymond!!
Sam
15. Dec, 2011
Hahaha as much as this can be a tedious and frustrating process when it comes to checking in, I could not help but laugh at your scenario about assessing the single beds. My girlfriend and I have become experts at exchanging split second looks to decide if we can push the beds together, cope with sleeping on opposite sides of the room for a few nights or if we will ask for a double.
Sam recently posted..The best tea in the world!
Dani
15. Dec, 2011
Sam, thanks so much for stopping by – we’re always happy to ‘meet’ other LGBT travelers
And it’s good to know that others go through the same as we do!
Dayna
17. Dec, 2011
This was so interesting to me, as someone who supports the LGBT community and also spent quite a few months working in a hostel in Ireland. I always tried my best to make everyone feel at home, but this post was an extra dose of insight! I’ll definitely go about things a different way when I head back there this summer! Thanks ladies.
Dayna recently posted..Why a Little Language Goes a Long Way
Dani
17. Dec, 2011
Thanks so much, Dayna! Which hostel will you be working at? It’s always good to know about LGBT friendly hostels in Ireland – going back there and see more of the country is high on our list
Dayna
18. Dec, 2011
The Green Street Townhouse in Dingle, Ireland… it’s a must visit! Nice Victorian townhouse that I helped repaint and decorate! If you do go, tell the owner Paula hello!! And visit a few of my favorite pubs, I’ll attach the link below!
Dayna recently posted..The Best of Dingle’s Pubs
jess
19. Dec, 2011
Thanks so much for the info, Dayna! It sounds like a great guesthouse and I put Dingle (and the pubs!) on our list!!
Trans-Americas Journey
20. Dec, 2011
Hello ladies–
Another great post from a compelling travel perspective – we will never check into another hostel/hotel without thinking of you two!
Random Great Gay moment from our Trans-
Americas Journey: Gay Pride Day parade in Merida, Mexico in the Yucatan with many parents marking in solidarity. Best part? The parade passes right in front of the Cathedral on the square. http://trans-americas.com/blog/2010/09/merida/
Trans-Americas Journey recently posted..A Site for Sore Feet: Trekking to El Mirador – Guatemala
jess
21. Dec, 2011
Mexico is so gay-friendly it really blew our minds, actually! We managed to somehow miss all the “Prides” while we were there, but there is nowhere else in Central America at least where public sentiment was so open the way that Mexico was (we’ll see about South America, which should be better, we think). And thanks for thinking of us when you check-in
be glad for the lack of awkwardness that surrounds an event that takes place a few times a week! It can get on the nerves for sure.
Jade - OurOyster.com
24. Dec, 2011
This is a great post! I never thought about how it must be like for same sex couples when booking a room. I have no problem sharing a bed with any of my friends, so I don’t think I would even notice anything about what kind of bed we were offered – whether I was with same sex or different sex. But its interesting to pay attention to the assumptions that people make
Jade – OurOyster.com recently posted..Australia Zoo : One Of The Best In The World
Dani
24. Dec, 2011
Thanks Jade! I can only imagine that nobody ever really thinks about this kind of thing (why would they!) – in Thailand we have been pretty lucky so far and were given a double bed almost everywhere
Lindsay
27. Dec, 2011
I totally relate to this, being in Asia. My girlfriend and I don’t really have issues with this, but some amusing moments have occurred. When we went to Vietnam, the hostel lady was very confused as to why we’d book a double and not a twin room. She kept asking if we were sure, she could change the room if we wanted! Haha! Then a few weeks ago we went to Seoul (we live in Korea) for the weekend and had booked a double bed room at a hostel. The manager guy was really sweet, kept saying he could bring in a camping cot if we wanted one… “If you feel uncomfortable…” though to be fair, it’s never been a negative issue, Koreans in general have zero gaydar so we walk around hand-in-hand and they just figure we’re really good friends!
Lindsay recently posted..A TODDLER KICKED MY BUTT AT SKIING
jess
28. Dec, 2011
We really agree about the confusion, rather than something more threatening or frustrating, here in Asia. Most people here so far haven’t said much of anything to us, especially in Thailand where there seems to be a much more accepting culture than we’ve experienced before. Good to hear that Korea shouldn’t be an issue either!